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Friday, March 20, 2009

Name Your Tale

Check out a new blog my friend Nick and I are working on. It is called Name Your Tale, and it gives our readers a chance to submit titles and see stories that result.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

More Things Worth Knowing About - Racehorses Who Have Significantly Failed

Roger Stop Hammertime
Old Mr. No Eyes McBumlegs
Bob Gelding
Stomping Around Like He's Hot Shit
Saggy Balls
Still Holds His Sweet Momma's Hand
Teresa Heinz-Kerry
Free Beer Tonight if He Wins
Tapioca Magic
Dildo Douchebaggins
DJ Loser Legs
Getting Put Down After This Race Anyway

Sunday, May 11, 2008

5 Jobs You Had No Idea Existed

Your job sucks. But there is hope yet, friends. I've compiled this list of only 5 of many jobs available that you probably had no idea even existed. Remember, it's never too late to change careers, even if you're in your late 20's.

  1. Pain Guru - Sure, we all know about Love Gurus, but were you aware of Pain Gurus? Of course not. Pain Gurus are the spiritual men and women who aggravate the senses to the point of extreme discomfort. Often the procedure is mistaken for what is commonly called "torture," but those submitted to the Pain Guru's methods are there under their own accord. In fact, the procedure is often expensive and can only be afforded by the most affluent and masochistic. A typical Pain Guru session, or "Bludgeoning" consists of repeated ear flicking, hand stapling, forced tooth grinding, and excessive name calling.

  2. Photo Booth
  3. Frowner- As the name entails, the Frowner is someone whose sole responsibility is to frown. Frowners are often employed "under the radar" by mourners and sympathists everywhere. Perhaps the best known Frowner, Arnold Hanfrey took the world by storm as his frowns produced such emotions on onlookers that they often wept. His face was used in advertising, most notably in the successful 1988 campaign for Frowny's Pizza. Who could forget that hypnotic jingle: Frown-y's Piz-za, It's not-bad-or-good.?

  4. Sky Taster - Not to be confused with Sky-Food Tester, the Sky Taster is responsible for assuring the most crisp and flavorful atmospheres for breathing consumption by his client. Sky Tasting is more often than not a freelance venture, though there are a few small Sky Tasting organizations-- most notably Tas-Tee-Air, who releases a yearly list of the Top 5 Delicious U.S. Skies. These places have included Eugene, Oregon; Key West, Florida; Hershey, Pennsylvania; and Strawberries-n-Cream, New Mexico.

  5. bebe.neuwirth.jpg (JPEG Image, 123x107 pixels)
  6. Spuckman- A Spuckman is responsible for designing stucco patterns and textures. Famous Spuckmen have included Barry Manilow, Quentin Tarantino, Billy Ocean, and Bebe Neuwirth.

  7. Photographer- Believe it or not, some people are actually paid to take photographs of other people and/or things.

Stick around, readers, more awesome lists and things to come!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Greetings From the PAST!

If you are reading this, which I believe you must be-- unless of course you are unfortunately blind, in which case, you are accessing it via some sort of alien technology that must be transmitting the texts wire-lessly into your brain-- either way, you are likely accessing this information sometime in the future. Unless, of course, you are standing behind me as I write, which I can clearly observe that you are not.

My question for you is this, fair reader: What is the future like?

Following are some possible scenarios of what I imagine the future will be like. These futures are based on the known space-time continuum of which we are currently aware. However, these futures may happen at any given time, so there is no way to determine if the future you are reading this in is concurrent with my time-line.Keep in mind that any of these futures is entirely plausible.

  • Technotopia - Following the success of the Internet, scientists and computer geeks will discover a way to embody the best functions of artificial intelligence into a self sustainable terraform not unlike a living, breathing, man-made cyber-island. The island itself will self actualize, however, and begin to aggregate itself into other land masses. These bio-tech hybrid terraforms will also actualize, and eventually combine into one Pangean living entity and begin to systematically remove humankind from itself like a dog scratching away fleas.

    Likelihood of occurrence: 52*

  • Steam-Age - After gas prices finally peak at $27.50/gal, governments will finally resort to alternative forms of energy, the most unlikely but available of which will be precious steam. Water prices will begin to soar and freshwater supplies will diminish quickly, causing the demise of several species of flora and fauna. Included, but not limited to the following: Hippopotamuses, the tomato, the very popular Pomeranian, and thankfully, the elderly. Steel and copper will remain in large supply, however, influencing the creation of extremely trendy "SteamPunk" fashion of which we may already be on the cusp. The era will be short lived, though, as the excessive use of steam will cause something much worse the Greenhouse Effect, which will be known to later generation only as "The Pressure Cooker Effect."

    Likelihood of occurrence: 77

  • Kitten-ocalypse - In response to our kitten-obsessed society, scientists begin to tinker with God's plan to manufacture a genetically perfect kitten. In doing so, they fail to realize that these kittens reproduce asexually and through cell-replication, causing them to multiply on their own at an alarming rate. At first, this will be adorable and embraced openly, but the kitten population will grow at such an rapid rate that they will begin to consume and destroy every thread of civilization as we know it. Nonetheless, it will be adorable.

    Likelihood of occurrence: 90

  • Mearth: The Carnival Planet - In a dubious, but clever grift, carnival barker Angus T. Bullligan will win a wager with Gumptous Fronkamp, NewEarth 2.0's fattest President, and claim ownership of the world and all its inhabitants. Fronkamp will lose the bet after Bulligan accurately guesses the number of Baconators it would take to outweigh the President. The answer was an even one-hundred-forty. Fronkamp is ostracized from society, but Bulligan proves to be a much more effective leader. Food products are consolidated to include only things that can be adhered to a stick and deep-fried, and shirtsleeves are outlawed. The transportation industry falters, however, when all vehicles are required to spin or revolve around a pivot. The global economy will continue to thrive, though, when all currencies are exchanged for the use of small blue tickets.

    Likelihood of occurrence: 94

  • Time-Shift or The Verning - When German Physicist Verne Werner accidentally discovers time -travel, he inadvertently sends himself back to 1999. Because of the time shift, Werner's path is skewed only slightly, causing an infinity of replicas to continue to appear at random times and places. With Vernes popping up randomly throughout history, he is believed to be everything from a sorcerer to an alien life form. Unfortuantely for Verne, he is unable to separate his consciousness from each entity, and quickly becomes not only omnipotent, but immortal. This starts a trend which is known in some circles as "Godding."

    Likelihood of occurrence: indeterminable

*Based on the Lamper Scale (a future speculation scale developed by Howard Lamper, with 1 being completely infeasible and 100 being completely plausible.)